When you sign up for this gig they call motherhood there are challenges you anticipate. Without really knowing what you are getting into you can safely assume there will be some challenges. You acknowledge that there will be sleepless nights, that potty training will be tough and that the teenage years will test your patience. There are words you know will come out of your mouth…often. Words like, “Because I said so,” and “Leave your brother alone,” and ” I’m not going to tell you again.” Then there are those experiences and phrases uttered that you could in no way have ever seen coming.
As a new Mom with a day old baby I never anticipated the day when I would tell Rusty, “No swinging from the chandelier!”
Or say to Molly, “No dipping baby Jesus in the toilet!”
As a Mom I’ve uttered a lot of phrases that I never thought I would say as a mother. This Sunday I added to the list of the bizarre when I said to Ozzie, “We never, ever eat worms…Ever!”
The afternoon began beautifully. The weather was perfect for playing outside and Toby and I had one request, 30 minutes alone. Sometimes I feel like I go days without conversing in a meaningful way with my husband. We crawl into bed every night so tired that the effort to talk exceeds the energy we have left for the day. So on Sunday we called on our two teenage girls to take the two little boys outside for 30 minutes so we could talk uninterrupted. All was going well until we heard a frantic knock on our bedroom door. I opened it to find Molly on the other side, completely worked up.
“I told him not to do it,” she said anxiously, “But he wouldn’t listen.”
“You told who not to do what?” we asked.
“Ozzie,” she replied. “He ate a worm!”
“He what??” we asked, certain there must be something lost in translation.
Molly then proceeded to explain. “Ozzie picked up an earthworm off the ground and said he was going to eat it. I told him not to but he just looked me in the eye, stuck the worm in his mouth and chewed it up!” She ended her story with a shudder.
We called Ozzie in, horrified by this news. When we asked him why he would do something like that he told us that he just wanted to know what worms tasted like. It was then I uttered one of those phrases I never expected to say as a mother…”We never, ever eat worms…Ever!”
I have found mothering to be the most humbling of experiences. Just when you think you have it together you find yourself scolding your 10-year-old for eating worms. :)
In addition to unusual dietary changes around our home here are some of the activities that happened at Patchwork Farm this weekend.
On Friday Rusty had to see the oral surgeon to have two adult teeth pulled for braces. We took him to a new oral surgeon that was recommended by a friend and we were SO impressed. Rusty’s experience was much better than Gracie’s was at our old oral surgeon’s office. They used laughing gas which made for an anxiety-free removal. Rusty came home on Friday afternoon. We set him up on the couch with ice cream, mashed potatoes, and computer games to play while he rested.
Saturday was a full day that began with Tyler’s first soccer game of the season. It was a perfect day for a game. Tyler’s team tied the other team in a very close, action packed game.
While Tyler played Ozzie sat in the grass playing with his trucks the entire time. It is so fun to see how different my two boys are. Tyler lives for sports and Ozzie could care less. :)
After the game we drove the girls over to a community Easter party where they were hired to be the face painters… a job they love doing! In addition to face painting the community planners offered an Easter egg hunt, treats, balloon animals and a petting zoo. Our favorite animal at the petting zoo was a 6-month-old pot belly pig named Lilly. She was adorable and brought back memories of our pot belly pig, Harley, when he was that small.
In the evening Ozzie had a birthday party to attend. A boy in his class invited him to his birthday party at an indoor pool. Ozzie was so excited to be invited. “I’ve never been invited to a friend’s party before,” he said excitedly. He spent the week planning for it… what trunks to wear, what towel to take, and what gift to buy. He had a blast swimming with the boys in his class and I was so grateful to the mom who invited Ozzie to join them. It was a fun night for Oz.
Saturday evening Ozzie, Tyler and I worked on a special project. We decided to send Easter gifts to their biological siblings. We wanted to do something fun and unique so we bought balls that we wrote “I hope you have a ‘ball’ this Easter” on and decorated with the boys’ drawings. We then addressed the balls and sent them just like they were through the mail with the shipping label placed right on the ball itself. I think it will be a fun surprise for their siblings to receive in the mail and a special way to let them know that Ozzie and Tyler love them and are thinking of them.
Ozzie has a wish. It is his “blow out the candle” wish, his “see a falling star” wish, his “toss a penny in the fountain” wish. If you ask him what he wants most in the world (other than a donkey to call his own) he will tell you that he wants to be adopted. He wants a forever home and a family to call his own.
I didn’t fully realize the intensity of his desire until we were watching a show the other day that was talking about adoption. We were in the living room and the girls were watching the show, The Little Couple, while Ozzie played on the floor. On the show the couple was sitting down to meet the director of an adoption agency about what they were hoping for in the adoption process. After expressing their desires the agency worker pulled a manila envelope from her bag and told the couple that she took a chance that they might be interested and brought the file of a child that needs adopted. It was at this point in the show I saw Ozzie perk up and start watching.
As he sat up taller and began focusing on the screen he said, “I wonder if it is me?!”
On the show the woman then began pulling out a photo of the child as she told them, “It is a little boy..”
At this point Ozzie was literally shaking with anticipation. “It could be me! I hope it’s me!” he said as he wrung his hands in anticipation of the reveal.
At this point I don’t know who was more excited, the little couple on TV or Ozzie.
The adoption worker continued, “”And he is from…”
Ozzie leaned closer to the TV.
“China,” the worker finished. “
“Oh Man!!” Ozzie shouted out with all the disappointment of someone who missed winning the lottery by one number.
When Ozzie was placed in our home he was placed here as a pre-adoptive placement which means he is a foster child that will be adopted but because of previous failed pre-adoptive placements he was told that this was just a foster home and we were just his foster parents. Those that are in charge of Ozzie’s case didn’t want him disappointed again and they weren’t sure we would “stick” so we were told that we couldn’t tell him that we were adopting him. This put us in a tough position because we already knew he was ours, the people in our life knew we were adopting Ozzie, the only one who didn’t know was the one person who most needed to know…Ozzie.
The result of that secret was a lot of uncertainty on the part of Ozzie who was falling in love with this new home and new family but lived in fear that it would be snatched away. He longed for the security of knowing that this would be his forever home and yet we weren’t allowed to give that to him. He would ask us daily if we would adopt him and when we couldn’t give him a definitive yes (due to judges orders..Grrr) he would try to bargain. “If I promise to always keep my room clean will you adopt me? If I never fight with Tyler again will you adopt me?” It broke my heart to not be able to just scoop him up in my arms and say, “You are already ours. You will always be ours.”
Tuesday we had a court hearing for Ozzie. It was scheduled for 9:00 am at the City County building downtown Pittsburgh. Everyone was a little nervous going into it due to stories we had heard about this particular judge and past court hearings. Ozzie went with one wish and one agenda…to convince the judge to let him be adopted by us. When our case was finally called we went into the courtroom where Ozzie, his sister, and the lawyer sat in front of the judge while Toby and I, along with the other foster mom, sat behind. The judge listened as the social workers testified. During their testimony Ozzie was scolded by the judge for talking. He wasn’t talking to anyone he was actually mumbling but because of the microphone placed in front of him all you could hear over the testimony of the workers was Ozzie’s eager plea, “Please let me get adopted, please let me get adopted.” A little boy’s wish whispered with eager longing.
A lot happened during that hearing…both good and bad… but the blessing that came from that intense 45 minutes was a wish granted. The judge told Ozzie that we would be adopting him. He told him it wouldn’t happen for many months but that didn’t matter to Ozzie. He was just overjoyed that his wish came true. As we were walking out he told us, ” You are my favorite parents I ever had. I was hoping you would adopt me and now my wish came true!” As we walked back to the car he eagerly informed anyone who walked within earshot that he was going to be adopted. As we drove home the reality of what that meant for his life hit him as he started listing the blessings, “This means I never have to move again, and I never have to pack my stuff up, and my room will be my room forever…”
As I listened to him speak the effect on me was profound. Oh, the blessings I take for granted. Things like knowing where I will be sleeping tomorrow and where I will be living next year are blessings I rarely take notice of much less give thanks for. I was humbled as I listened to Ozzie bubble over with joy.
When we arrived home Ozzie hopped out of the car, eager to share his good news with the other kids. He raced to be the first inside. As he burst through the door with his hands held high in victory stance he shouted, ” Guess who is getting a new brother??”
” You are!!”
“Aren’t we all lucky?!”
Lucky…Blessed…whatever you want to call it, a wish came true today.
Molly is now 14! On Monday we celebrated her birthday. “14″ is a big birthday in our house (for the girls) because it is the birthday that they are allowed to start wearing make-up. This monumental birthday, especially coming on the heals of Gracie driving, is making me all to aware of how quickly the years are passing. This is a ‘even” birthday year for our family. Once Tyler has his birthday we will have a 8, 10, 12, 14, and 16-year-old in the house. :)
Molly’s birthday began the way all the birthday mornings begin in our family…we woke her up by singing “Happy Birthday” and bringing her a cake with a candle to blow out. The kids get to choose what they want their morning slice of birthday cake to be and then they get to enjoy it for breakfast. Molly choose cheesecake. Molly also requested that she get to open her gifts before Toby left for work, which we did.
The kids had fun giving Molly her gifts. The two little boys gave her new yarn to make baby hats for babies in the hospital. Rusty and Grace pooled their money to put together a “First dance survival kit.” Now that Molly is 14 she is allowed to go to church dances. Their survival kit was a cute purse filled with a mini mirror, lip gloss, lotion, gum, and other things. From Toby and I Molly received make-up and from my parents Molly received a gift card to Rainbow clothing store which she had the chance to spend later that day.
On a child’s birthday day I give them the day off school and the other kids usually surprise the birthday child by doing all their morning chores, which Russ and Grace did, so Molly had the morning free. While I did school with the others Molly experimented with her new make-up. After lunch Molly’s birthday celebration officially began. For her birthday she wanted to get a “make-over,” a new 14 year-old look. :) She had been saving her money for months to buy some new clothes as well as searching the internet for a new hair style. She invited Grace to join her and we headed out while Rusty stayed home and watched Tyler.
Our first stop was the beauty parlor where she had her hair cut. Molly before…
Next stop was Rainbow clothing store where she had a blast trying on outfits with Grace, her style consultant. She told us that she was looking for a whole new look. Gracie asked her what she wanted her “new look” to like and Molly replied, “pink and sparkly.” Grace then asked her how that was any different than her old look to which Molly revised her answer to, “pink, sparkly and fourteenish.” :)
At 3:30 I gave Molly the 10 minute warning so that we could be to the bus stop in time to pick up Ozzie. She made her final choices, paid for everything, and we left. Her calculations couldn’t have been any closer. After using her gift card from Mimi and Pop Pop and the money she had saved she walked out the door with 10 pennies in her pocket. Now that is impressive shopping skills!
In the evening Molly made a request to go to a new restaurant for her birthday dinner…Hotheads. It is a burrito restaurant next to Yumberries, our favorite frozen yogurt store. Hotheads is like a Mexican Subway restaurant. You pick your meal and then walk down the line “dressing” it as you go. When Ozzie got in line he requested a burrito and for the meat he asked for spicy steak even after we warned him not to. Knowing it was probably too hot for him I walked with him down the remainder of the line vetoing the jalapeno peppers he requested and the super hot sauce he wanted to top it with. It was a good thing I did because he was only able to eat 1/3 of the burrito as it was due to the heat.
While we were there the kids had fun watching the TVs that hung on the wall. I had to take this picture because it is classic Tyler and Ozzie. Ozzie is watching the weather channel while Tyler watched a ballgame. They were both thrilled that their favorite channels were on.
After dinner we walked next door for frozen yogurt. Molly frozen yogurt instead of a traditional birthday cake, although she did end up getting birthday cake flavored frozen yogurt. It was a sweet ending to a special day.
“Happy birthday, dear Molly. Happy Birthday to You!!”
Saturday was one of those monumental parenting moments as I took my oldest child for her driving permit test. How can my baby be old enough to drive? How can I be old enough to have a child driving?! Where have the years gone?
Before we could go to the driver’s license center we had to go to MedExpress to get the physical part of her form filled out. We were in and out fairly quickly and she was given the “all clear” by the doctor.
We then headed over to the driver’s license center so that she could take her written test. Although Grace had been studying for the last two months and doing practice tests online she was still nervous as she waited for her number to be called.
When her number was finally called we walked up to the desk, handed over the necessary paperwork and Grace was assigned a computer to do her written test. In a matter of minutes she reemerged from behind the sectioned off partition with a smile on her face.
“I passed!” she triumphantly declared.
We then had to wait for our name to be called again so that we could get her driving log and so that we could pay her fee for the privilege of driving in Pennsylvania.
We had a wonderful government employee helping us. (He was the only one there that seemed as though he enjoyed his job.) He congratulated Grace and told her that she just had one more stop to make and then she could head out on the road. He told her that we needed to head to Wal-Mart next and head down two different aisles. We waited, confused, as to what we still needed to pick up. I was mentally going over my already long list of PennDOT requirements…birth certificate, physical, social security card, check, application…what did we forget??
“You still need to pick up,” he continued, “Hair dye and Tums… Trust me, your mom is going to need it!” ;)
He then went over the rules of driving with a permit and told Grace that she could drive anytime except between the hours of 4:00pm and 6:00pm. Gracie looked puzzled, having read her driving book from cover to cover, and never having come across that restriction.
“Ok,” she said, “But why?”
“Because, ” he answered with a twinkle in his eye, “That is when I am on the road driving home!” :)
When we were halfway home I pulled over and Gracie climbed in behind the wheel and drove the rest of the way home. We made it home in one piece and with smiles still in place (although my knuckles were white and cramped) and I finally understood the whole “Wal-Mart shopping” suggestion. I have a feeling I’m going to age quickly over the next six months!
So, there you go… Grace is celebrating, I am praying, and we are all warning you to
“Stay off the sidewalks! Grace is driving!” ;)
On Wednesday we had the opportunity to join all the youth from church, ages 8-18, for “dollar days” at PNC Park. It was a perfect evening for a baseball game and the weather was ideal. Everyone was excited to go, even my non-sports-loving kids, who just enjoyed the atmosphere of the Pirate’s game. We drove down to Pittsburgh, parked at a local garage, and joined the rest of our group outside the ballpark. As we approached the signs for the park and the Pirate flags waving, Ozzie shouted, “Raise the Jolly Rancher!”
I think he meant “Jolly Roger.” :)
Before the game Ozzie asked if we could stay for the entire thing. He told me that he had never seen the end of a baseball game before because he always had to leave early to beat traffic. I promised him we would stay until the end. Little did I know this game would end up being the longest game in Pirate’s history and would end up lasting almost six hours. Needless to say I broke his heart and my promise.
Even with the large amount of tickets that were ordered for the group we were still a few short so the boys (Toby, Ozzie and Tyler) were able to join a friend in his company’s private box to watch the game instead of sitting with the group. It was a special treat for the two little boys who had never watched a game from anywhere but the “cheap seats” before. :)
The girls and Rusty joined me and the rest of the youth in a different part of the ballpark to watch the Pirates play the Cubs. We took advantage of the “dollar days” hotdogs and all enjoyed a ballpark frank… yum!
It was a great game complete with hotdog tosses, the wave, seventh inning stretch, pierogi races and a streaker. I don’t think the streaker was a planned part of the entertainment but he definitely added to the excitement of the evening. It happened during the pierogi race, a beloved Pirate game tradition, in which potato stuffed pasta mascots race around the perimeter of the ball field while everyone cheers. While the pierogi mascots were racing a spectator joined in the fun by leaping over the outer wall, running across the ball field, leaving a trail of clothes in his wake, while security guards tried to apprehend him. He made it to the other side with only shorts still on where he was caught by security.
The stadium was packed and the energy was high as we went into the 9th inning. At the end of the 9th we were tied so we stayed even longer. Then it went into the 10th inning. We finally left at 11:00pm at the end of 11th inning. Ozzie was, of course, devastated.
“I’ll never see the end of a baseball game,” he lamented as we were walking out.
It wasn’t until the following day when I found out that the game went 16 innings that I felt good about our decision to leave early. In the end it all worked out… the Pirates won, we had a wonderful evening with friends, and we certainly got our dollar’s worth of entertainment…
what with $1.00 hotdogs, 11 innings of fun and a streaker to boot. What a night!
Last semester Grace was able to take a photography class through her cyber school which she came to really love and learn a lot in. When the semester ended she was sad to say goodbye to Photography 101 but was excited for her next elective, Drawing 101, which is taught by the same teacher. She has really enjoyed her drawing class and it has been fun to see her take the techniques she learns in class and apply them to the drawing she does in her free time. It is amazing the difference a good teacher can make in inspiring a student to become better. Gracie has always had a love and talent for drawing but it is amazing the skills she has learned these last few weeks.
Here are some of Gracie’s latest drawings..
Ahhh…It is so good to be home. Nothing like sleeping upright in a hospital chair for two nights to make you appreciate your own bed. Today I am feeling incredibly blessed. Blessed that we had good doctors who caught the symptoms of appendicitis quickly. Blessed to have so many wonderful friends who stepped in and lent a hand in the midst of the chaos. Blessed to have such good kids who held down the fort and really stepped up when I needed to focus my time and energy on getting Ozzie better. Blessed to have an amazing husband who is unshakable when things get challenging and especially blessed to have been given an amazing bonding opportunity with our newest addition.
When Tyler moved in with us we had a vacation planned for the following week. A vacation which had been planned for months before we knew of his arrival. We were going on a week-long houseboat vacation with another family and were scheduled to leave 24 hours after he moved in. It was horrible timing, as far as I was concerned, but it ended up being perfect timing in God’s plan. Being “trapped” on a houseboat for a week with no place to escape to ended up serving as a catalyst for the bonding process. Great strides were made that first week. Progress that would normally have taken weeks happened in a matter of days. I feel like this experience with Ozzie had much the same effect. Although not nearly as enjoyable as a houseboat vacation, this week was a week of breakthroughs in our relationships as a family. Through the scare of surgery, IVs, and a hospital stay Ozzie learned that we are trustworthy, that we won’t leave, that we will take care of him. He experienced parental love as we held his hand through procedures, were sitting at his bedside as he woke from surgery, and met his needs on the most basic level as we carried him to the bathroom and spoon fed him jello. God saw what we were in need of as a family and met our needs in a very creative way. It wasn’t as fun as a family vacation but the effect of this week was far more profound.
Ozzie is still recovering. He is feeling better each day but is still sore. When the doctor came in to go over discharge instructions he told Ozzie no school for a week and no gym for two weeks.
Ozzie considered the doctor’s instructions..
“How about tag?” he asked. “My brother likes to play tag.”
“Nope, no tag for a few weeks,” the doctor answered.
“Hmm, how about trampolines?” Ozzie asked.
“No. Definitely no trampolines,” the doctor answered.
“Hmm, what about ultimate Frisbee?”
“Uh, no. No ultimate Frisbee,” the doctor replied.
Ozzie considered this and then asked, “What about horseback riding?”
I then interrupted and reminded Ozzie that we don’t even have a horse for him to ride so it was a moot point.
“Ok,” he said, “How about donkeys? Can I ride donkeys?”
The doctor told him to just avoid all strenuous activities until his follow-up appointment. :)
When Ozzie arrived home we settled him in his “nest” on the couch. Waiting for him were cards from his classmates at school and a gift from friends at co-op. He spent the afternoon building the Lego set he received.
Later that day I received a call from my mom. My parents had their follow-up visit with the surgeon that day. (It is hard to believe only a week before I was sitting in another surgical waiting room.) They received the results back from pathology and they were miraculous. My Dad’s pathology results were clean..totally clean. His extremely aggressive prostate cancer was encapsulated and completely eliminated during his radical prostate removal. As of now the oncologist says no radiation is needed and is declaring my father cancer free.
We are grateful for all the prayers that were said on his behalf and know this miracle came to pass as a result of faithful, powerful prayers and a sovereign God.
We are incredibly blessed!
This past Sunday was New Beginnings, an annual event that celebrates the Young Women program at church, welcomes the new girls turning 12 this year and says farewell to the Seniors who will be graduating. Every year the young women pick a theme for the night that we then base our decorations, food, gifts, and speakers around. This year the girls, all caught up in the new Disney movie mania, asked if we could do a Frozen New Beginnings. They came up with the title for the event: “Don’t Let Your Heart be FROZEN: Come Unto Christ.” The girls worked on the planning and preparation for the evening over the course of a few weeks. They made posters for the walls, wrapped silverware, cut out snowflakes, decorated the gym and made appetizers for everyone to enjoy.
The night focused on identifying the things in our lives that cause a frozen heart and keep us from “Coming unto Christ.” Our keynote speaker drew spiritual analogies from the movie of those things that cause a frozen heart and then talked about how to “Let it Go.”
It was a beautiful evening thanks to the efforts of our young women, teachers and counselors.
The theme of the night was poignant as I personally reflected on the things that keep me from “Coming unto Christ.” We all struggle with a frozen heart at various times in our lives…those times when we can’t feel the love of the Savior because of obstacles we place in our own way. What is it that is keeping you from “Coming unto Christ?”
Fear? Guilt? Sin? Peer pressure? The pull of the world? Anger? Hopelessness? Self focus? Disappointments? Loneliness? An unforgiving heart?
Whatever it is perhaps it is time to…
“Let it Go.”
Every now and then I have one of those 24 hour periods that make me feel like I have lived a week’s worth of life in one day. This was one of those 24 hour periods. The craziness began yesterday when I drove Ozzie to Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh to have his chipped front tooth fixed. I was dreading the appointment simply because I was dreading the scary drive through Pittsburgh morning traffic to a hospital that I hadn’t visited before. Knowing my propensity for getting lost, I allowed myself 45 minutes more driving time than the GPS suggested. It was a good thing. As I headed on the directed route I found myself facing closed roads due to construction. My GPS, being ever so helpful, suggested that I make a U-turn (in the middle of Pittsburgh morning commute traffic). I, not knowing where to go and feeling the pressure to make a decision quickly due to the large volume of honking horns behind me, chose to simply follow the traffic in front of me and hope that they were all going to Children’s Hospital too. At the very least, I figured, my GPS would eventually give up on the notion of me pulling a Fast and Furious move in the middle of downtown and start directing me on a more sensible route. I did find the hospital and pulled in just as the clock turned 9:00am (my appointment time.)
We walked into the hospital and right away I was blown away by how impressive and kid friendly it was. The waiting room was like a visit to a children’s museum with miniature train sets, multi-tank aquariums and I-pads for the kids to play on. Our first stop was the registration desk where we sat for 15 minutes updating all of Ozzie’s information from what it was at his last visit. It was at that registration desk I learned that Ozzie was multilingual. I only recently found out that he was bilingual. In fact it was at our St. Patrick’s day dinner that he informed us that he speaks Gaelic. When we asked him what he could say in Gaelic he paused for dramatic effect and in his thickest faux Irish accent he said, “Shamrock Shake.” :)
While we were sitting at the registration desk a Hispanic family sat down next to us in front of another computer. I was only half listening as I answered the questions of the woman helping us but I could tell the neighboring employee was struggling to communicate with this couple and their two small children. We were wrapping up our registration when the lady helping them called her supervisor over and requested a translator. Ozzie evidently was listening and observing the entire interaction because before I could stop him he just up and said, “Wait. I can handle this! I speak Spanish.” He then strode over to the little girl, crouched down to her eye level and said…”Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco.” The parents looked confused and the little girl looked puzzled as to why this boy was counting in her face. Ozzie looked proud, having solved the translation problem. I quickly ushered Ozzie away while nodding my apologies to the parents. “See, Mommy,” Ozzie said as we hurried away, “I told you I could speak lots of languages.”
Ozzie was finally called back to the office to be seen by the dentist. The were able to bond a new piece to his broken tooth. It was wonderful to have it over and done with in one appointment. As we left the hospital Ozzie kept stopping strangers along the way to show them his tooth and inform them that he had tooth surgery. He would then say, “But at least it wasn’t real surgery!” Little did we know 24 hours later we would be at another hospital for “real” surgery.
On the way home from Children’s Hospital Ozzie started complaining of stomach cramps. By the time we got home all he wanted to do was go to bed and sleep. The pain continued through the night. I thought he was getting the stomach bug that had been going around and I kept waiting for the vomiting to start. It never did. By the next day the pain was lower. He was lethargic, had no appetite and complained of pain when he urinated so I thought that perhaps he had a UTI. I had to drive Molly to PSSA (state testing) and took Ozzie with me so we could visit a convenient care office afterwards to have his urine tested. When we arrived and explained his symptoms the nurse strongly encouraged us to head to the ER just in case it was something more serious. It was a good thing she did because it turned out that Ozzie had a perforated appendix that needed to be removed. In a matter of a few hours I went from wondering what I was going to fix for dinner to realizing I would be spending a couple of days in the hospital. I knew Ozzie didn’t feel good because he just lay there quietly. Normally he would have been asking questions and enjoying the excitement of it all. It was soon time for him to go back for surgery. He looked so small in his gown and so vulnerable as he sobbed, “I don’t want to leave you, Mommy.” My heart hurt as I kissed him and told him that I loved him before they wheeled him away.
I sat in the family waiting room praying, crying and waiting. I hated to see Ozzie hurting and hated to see him have to go through the pain of surgery but even in the midst of all that I could see God at work. I could feel Him at work. I knew this was going to be one of those life changing moments that I would look back on years from now. As they wheeled Ozzie away I knew he was mine. Deep down in my heart I felt the bond of mother to child. I felt the same heartbreak and fear any mother faces when their child goes under the knife. I felt the same way I would have felt had it been Grace or Rusty being wheeled away. It was there and I finally knew he was mine.
The bonding that takes place between mother and adoptive child is one of those challenges of adoption that people don’t talk about. You expect it to be instant and powerful and certain. It isn’t always that way in the beginning but nobody warns about that so you live in fear that there is something wrong with you, or your new addition. “It should feel effortless and easy,” you tell yourself. I shouldn’t have to work so hard at these emotions. I knew Ozzie was mine from the start. On a deep, spiritual level I knew he was ours…destined to be part of our forever family from the beginning of time, but my heart struggled to feel the feelings that should come naturally with that knowledge and testimony. I loved Ozzie but was I “in love’ with him in the same way I was “in love” with the others? “Did I love him as a mother loves?” I kept asking myself and then felt guilty that I couldn’t answer with a resounding yes. I felt unworthy and like a failure that it wasn’t easier. I have been pouring my soul out to God for weeks about these very feelings and today he answered my questioning heart when the ache I felt at the thought of losing Ozzie on the surgical table brought me to my knees. When I kissed his tousled hair and breathed in his little boy scent I had my breakthrough moment. He was mine, as much mine as if we were in the maternity ward having just given birth to him instead of the pre-op room preparing to say good-bye. I emotionally gave birth to my son today. As hard as today was, as much as I would have taken his pain away in an instant if I could have, today was a day that will forever be a gift. It was the day God revealed to me the love that had already grown in my heart. I just needed to recognize it for what it was… It was a mother’s love.
It was there all along. I just didn’t know it. I didn’t let my heart feel it.
Today Ozzie became my son…not in the eyes of the court, but in the depths of my heart.