As a child I had dreams and aspirations. As a Kindergartener I aspired to one day be employed at the golden mountains (McDonald’s). As I grew older my aspirations grew to include being a ballerina, a teacher, or perhaps president of the United States. Never once, however, did I say, “When I grow up I am going to be a redneck woman,” and yet here I find myself living a life that should land me a reality show contract. This week wasn’t the first time I stopped to ponder when exactly I had crossed the line from lady to redneck Momma…
I suppose it was a gradual transformation…
There was that little incident a few years back when the neighbors called to report that their police scanner was squawking about our herd of goats on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It was an adrenaline pumping moment as I raced down the hill on our go-cart hoping to beat the state troopers to the scene of the crime and get our goats off the highway before they caused a pile-up.
Then there was that awful day when the pigs escaped and we had to herd them back home from New Galilee along the main drag. I sat in the car honking the horn as the kids, equipped with long sticks, tried to keep them on the center line of the road like some sort of small town holiday parade.
We have also been known to transport farm animals like llamas home from auction in the back of our station wagon which is no easy feat, let me tell you! Llamas don’t fold easily.
This week, however, I feel like I have solidified my standing as “Redneck Momma of the Year” when I found myself straddling an ATV at the bus stop waiting to take Ozzie home. All I needed to qualify for my own Honey Boo Boo reality show was a dead deer strapped to the back of my four-wheeler and a wardrobe change…curlers and a robe perhaps.
This all came about due to the unrelenting snow and cold weather we have had for the last six weeks. After taking the kids to the dentist on Tuesday morning we headed straight home. As we approached the driveway I put the car in four-wheel drive, hit the gas, and began climbing our steep drive. About halfway up we began to spin and came to rest sideways. Thinking that I would “unstick” it later I put it in park and we hiked home. That afternoon, as the time for Ozzie’s bus to arrive approached, I began the trek back to the car. As I climbed in I assumed I would easily be able to coast it back down the driveway only to find that the layer of ice under the snow made it impossible to get any traction. As the bus time drew nearer I began to panic. There was not enough time for the long walk from our house to the bus stop so I ran back to the house, grabbed the ATV and met Ozzie at the bus stop, redneck style, much to the shock of the bus driver and the delight of Mr. Ozzie.
The next day was our home school co-op, which we had to miss due to our vehicle dilemma. After making contact with multiple tow companies who weren’t willing to even attempt to tow us out we realized we were stuck home for the day until we came up with a plan B. Wednesday morning was bitterly cold with temperatures below 0 and a windchill of -12. Knowing that we were going to have to four-wheel our way to the bus stop again I dressed Ozzie in double layers and brought a blanket to snuggle in. As we waited Ozzie began to get more and more upset as he got colder and colder. As tears began to fall I started shedding my layers and putting them on him. By the time the bus arrived Ozzie was warm and I was sitting on the ATV without a hat, gloves or coat which not only solidified my status as “Redneck Momma” but “Crazy Lady of bus route #1” as well.
The kids were devastated to miss co-op, especially after 4 weeks of cancellations due to flu and winter weather but the upside was that we were able to enjoy a day at home with nowhere to go and nobody visiting us. The driveway guaranteed we didn’t have any unexpected visitors. The day was spent doing “fun school”…science experiments, history, and art projects.
Grace had an online science class where they studied the components of a DNA strand by creating an edible DNA strand out of candy. She had a lot of fun with it!
For art Rusty learned about artist Louise Nevelson and her style of sculpting called Assemblage. Like her style of art, Rusty had to create a sculptural wall using found objects around the house which he then spray painted a solid color to create unity in his piece. I think it turned out really cool!
It was a good day…a much needed forced “staycation!” After a few more trips to and from the bus stop on my redneck minivan we were finally able to get the car down the driveway.
So, if you had plans to drive by our road at 8:05 in the morning in hopes of catching a glimpse of that crazy Redneck Momma you’ve heard rumors about I am here to tell you she has gone back into hiding…
at least until the next snow storm.