Breathe

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Some days I find myself struggling to catch my breath

as the waves a panic crash over me.

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I find myself drowning under a weight of worry…

the concern of what could be can be paralyzing,

and the “what if” thoughts cause my heart to race.

As a planner and a problem solver by nature nothing is more panic inducing then the uncertainty of tomorrow. My mind continues to race late into the night long after my legs and body are still. I find myself playing out worst case scenarios in my mind in an attempt to be prepared for the possibility of anything. There is the belief that peace comes from having a plan, a solution, for every out of control scenario. So when a situation comes that is beyond my control and isn’t fixable despite all the effort, work, and planning, I find myself in a panic. I hate that feeling of life being out of control…(which really means: out of MY control). I recognize the irony of this because life is, if anything, one big out of control ride. To believe we have some power to change situations or change other people is as laughable as a toddler turning a toy steering wheel in the back seat with the belief that they are controlling the car their father drives.

The very things, those traits, that are my greatest gifts can often be my greatest sins. The gift of leadership, organization, hard work, and diligence can quickly evolve into arrogance, pride and control when not aligned with God’s will. So often from a good and honest motivation to help and fix comes less than godly responses…responses like impatience, anger, frustration, judgement and fear…none of which are from God.

Fear is not of God.

Worry is not of God.

I know this and yet during certain seasons of my life I find myself in a daily battle with my own thoughts and emotions.

Lately I have found myself struggling not to collapse under a weight of worry. Most of these worries are stemming from a situation that is beyond my control. Most of these sleepless nights come from a panic over tomorrow and what might be.

What is the remedy for those drowning thoughts?

Presence.

Stopping.

Stillness.

For it is only when I stop and breathe and am present that I remember my place in the universe. I allow God to be God and I rest in His promise.

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Living outside today is a pointless gesture, for tomorrow isn’t promised. I can’t fix tomorrow. I can’t control tomorrow. I am not to worry and plan for tomorrow. I am simply to live fully today.

So today:

I will not push my agenda.

I will look up.

I will be aware.

I will count my blessings.

I will be grateful.

I will practice patience.

I will be present in this moment.

I will obey God’s leading for this day.

 I will trust Him with my tomorrows.

And I will breathe.

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